In an incredibly unusual and uncharacteristic move earlier today, outgoing
VP and former Presidential candidate Al Gore stated that he effectively "De-Invented
the Internet." Announced at a press conference earlier today, the former
Senator apparently tired of the chiding he has taken over the past few years
as a result of his ridiculous but apparently true claim of "Inventing
the Internet." That derision, plus the tremendous ego jolt he no doubt
suffered by loosing in Florida to president elect George W. Bush was enough
to push him over the edge. Late last night he decided to pull the plug on
the whole thing. "I'm just sick of it all," Mr. Gore announced while
slamming his fist into the podium he was standing before. "The American
People are just a bunch of ungrateful nabobs. That's right I said nabobs,
Agnew knew what was going on. Sianara Baby!" With that statement he walked
up to an Ethernet cable plugged into a nearby wall, yanked it out, and unceremoniously
turned the Internet off.
"It's all over," Mr. Gore proclaimed. "Enough is Enough! You
are all spoiled rotten little children. How dare you insult me, the father
and architect of Man's greatest triumph, the Internet. You idiots. If I can't
be your president, then no more Internet! It's all gone. I guess Dubya was
right after all, I never invented nothing." Following several boos from
the crowd, Mr. Gore continued, "You better start tying string to cans.
We're back in the Dark Ages folks. Hope you're happy."
Reaction around the country to Mr. Gore's actions earlier today has been mixed.
In Silicon Valley, the hotbed and wellspring of the so-called "Internet
Revolution," people are downtrodden. "This is like the crash of
1929," Pashe Gupta, a project manager at PeopleStuff.com [NSDAQ -PSFF]
reports. "I watched our CIO throw himself out of his office window. It
was only a three foot drop onto our beautifully manicured lawn, but still,
I just don't know." Bryan Patterson, a local caterer told a similar tale.
"I was bringing in some catering to SuperStuff.com [NSDAQ - SPFF] and
this guy comes running out and hands me the keys to his Audi. He kept saying,
'Take it, take it. I'll never make my payments now. Take it.' It was just
In Missouri, a rally was held in celebration of both Mr. Gore's political
loss and his unprecedented decision. People in the Show Me State have long
felt left behind by Mr. Gore's epoch-making invention. "I'm all fer it."
Cletidus Hunt said in a thick drawl, reflecting on the apparent death of the
Internet. "You gotta understand our position. We came into this union
as a slave state. We never wanted none of this Interent crap." When the
idea of cyber slave auctions was brought up, Mr. Hunt appeared to think for
a moment, and then continued, "Naw, a bunch of Jews would probably just
wind up taking all our money from that anyway."
Reaction on Wall Street was also mixed. Investors from traditional markets
almost seemed to be breathing a sigh of relief. "This just wipes the
slate clean," said Hymie Bornkowitz, a junior analyst at JP Morgan. "Look,
I went to school for seven years, actually six. I got expelled from Brown
for a year for having alcohol in my room. That, and gross exploitation of
a minor. It was cool though, I went to south-east Asia, and man, is that place
crazy." After he was led back to discuss the end of the Internet, Mr.
Bronkowitz continued, "So yeah, they don't teach you how to deal with
stuff like [The Internet] in school. I mean GoofyPuppy.com [NSDAQ - GFPP]
is worth eighty billion more than Ford! What the fuck is it that? And all
these little shit trading companies like Datek and E-Trade trying to take
our business away, now they are eating crow.I can't wait to go and dance on
their graves. What were they thinking? Trying to compete with [JP Morgan],
please. I'll crush them like a Cohiba."
Senior Analysts on Wall Street also seemed to breath a sigh of relief. "Thank
God is all I have to say, Thank God." Says Harvey Mankowitz, Senior Analyst
for Chase Manhattan Bank. "Walmart, McDonalds, General Motors, Big Manufacturing,
Big Oil, these are the industries you want to sink your life savings, your
kids future, and all that into. Not SmellyKittenPaw.com [NSDAQ - SKWW]. I
couldn't be happier." Down the road a little way, however, young investors
outside the Nasdaq building on Water St. were seen lighting themselves on
"I think it's great!" Said Steve Herman, a tourist visiting Manhattan
from Calgary, Alberta, Canada. "I mean I am pretty upset about the loss
of the Internet, there goes my sex life, but you just never see mass suicide
like this in Canada." After a minimal of prodding, Mr. Herman added,
"Eh?" All around Battery Park, young urban professionals were pouring
expensive bottles of Belvedere and Kettle One vodkas all over themselves.
Then, almost seemingly in unison, Zippo cigar lighters were lit, thereby incinerating
the annoying yuppies. Throngs of European and Japanese tourists clapped ecstatically
as the burning, wealthy, young flaming people made their way frantically down
to the shore in attempts to jump into the East River. Few made it. Those who
did drowned soon after.
Engineers in Silicon Valley and elsewhere have been scrambling all day since
Mr. Gore's announcement trying to figure out a way to "plug" the
Internet back in. Largely they have come up empty handed. "I was able
to send an email to a, uh, um, friend of mine." Said Terry Brooks, a
network engineer for SloppyDonkeyFace.com [NSDAQ - SDFF] and a recent Silicon
Valley transplant. "But, as soon as I got a reply from my, uh, friend,
it was all off again." Ms. Brooks went on to explain how she was able
to temporarily rig up a point-to-point temporary IP patch for the Internet,
but we told her to shut up.
"I propose the Ebernet." Declared Mr. Gore at another press conference
forty yards from where at an earlier press conference he effectively de-invented
the Internet as we know it. "The Ebernet is the future," proclaimed
a surprisingly confident Gore. "If you thought my earlier invention,
the Internet was hip and cool and the best thing since Sergeant Peppers Lonely
Hearts Club Band, just wait until you experience the Ebernet. You ain't seen
nothing yet!" Grilled repeatedly by reporters on what exactly the Ebernet
is and what it can do, Mr. Gore simply replied, "I haven't invented it
yet. I just like the name." Another reported asked when we can expect
to see this so-called Ebernet. "Around 2004 or so," Smirked Gore