Name Your Own Price…
for Hookers?!?

E-Bay and Priceline.com Muscle In On the World's Oldest Business Model
by Jonny Lieberman

We have all heard the stories. A kidney surfacing on e-auction powerhouse E-Bay [EBAY - NASDAQ] for $300,000. People putting their children or their souls up for sale. Used Panties, etc. Often described as Adam Smith's true vision on steroids, online auction sites have been accused of bringing out the entrepreneur in some of society's worst elements. Others feel that in a truly free market place, the good must be taken along with the bad, and indeed the good will win out in the end. Regardless of all opinions, something new is in fact surfacing as a result of online auctions; Prostitution. Tamika Jones and Melissa Justine, two former, or old business, streetwalkers have made the logical jump to the next level. They have not given up their profession, prostitution per say, but rather they have elected to embrace the new online frontier and are peddling their respective asses on E-Bay, as well as other auction sites such as Amazon.com [AMZN - NASDAQ] and Yahoo! [YHOO - NASDAQ]. ( AOL [AOL - NYSE] users keyword: Whore)

"Man, it just makes sense, financial sense." Says an exuberant Ms. Jones. "Before on the street, some John would roll on up to you and want [Fellactio] and you be like, 'That gonna cost you fifty large.' Which is good money, but honey, shit, now I be like, 'Yo, I got a mean blowjob for sale. Who's got the most dough?' Motherfucka's be offering $500 and shit. It feels good!"

Melissa Justine concurs. For the past seven years, Melissa has been walking the mean streets of St Louis. Recently retired, Melissa stills makes a comfortable living offering her services online. "It is 100% better. Not only money wise, which I think is due to the fact that these cyber-Johns are generally wealthier than some asshole cruising you in his car, but now I am not just limited to like a twenty block area. I get to go all over the place. Some of these guys are so hard up, that they will actually pay to fly the pussy out to them. I recently did a Christmas party for [A major software manufacturer] out in California where I made $20,000, for one nights work! Usually, if I do a gangbang type of deal like that, even with twenty-five guys, I rarely make more than one or two grand. And I usually would have been taken out back and alley-whipped afterwards. These dudes actually flew me out first-class, picked me up in a limo and put me up in a nice hotel. Shit, you tell me?"

These are not the only two women who have decided to ditch their old economy ways of whoring and ante-up to what might be the profession's biggest boost since the heyday of the American Frontier. A quick search of E-Bay, Yahoo! and Amazon, the three leading auction sites revealed more than seventeen-dozen hookers up for auction. According to some, this is just the tip of the iceberg. All three of the big players declined comment, however, Jason Birdy, a presales expert from Andale.com, a company that brokers out auction services to both sellers and buyers, had this to say. "I am telling you, this is the biggest thing since used panties. I can't really discuss the numbers, but we are talking thousands. As far as revenue is concerned, several millions of dollars."

When asked about the legal and moral implications of auction sites getting involved in the skin trade, Mr. Birdy responded, "You know, they all pay lip service to the idea that this is illegal and bad for society and all that. For instance if you look on [The Yahoo! Auction site] for hookers, you won't find anything. But if you look for 'escort services', you'll overflow your buffer with all the hits you get. There is just too much money involved here for anyone to actually do anything more than simple posturing. It is like a report I was reading a few years back about AOL. They were swearing up and down, left and right about wanting to combat kiddie porn, but an analyst surmised that there is about 600 gigabytes of child pornography floating around AOL's servers at any one time. That is their bread and butter. And these auction sites, just like AOL, are not going to mess with a goldmine."

Tamika Jones also cited safety and independence as other reasons for her going virtual. "No motherfucking pimps, no motherfucking crackheads, no god damned cops running yo ass in then raping you in the back of squad car outside the fucking precinct. None of that shit. Just a bunch of white boys and Indian motherfuckers, not the feathers, but the dots. They ain't too kinky either. It's like they're afraid of my ass or something." Ms. Jones continued. "Really, all that shit I don't care about, except for the pimps. I was so sick and tired of hearing, 'I'm a mess you up. My pimp hand's strong. You better be out there earning for me or I'm a put yo black ass under pimp arrest.' That shit is played out. That shit is weak. Now a days, these motherfucking Johns be bringing me flowers an shit. They be talking all, 'Um, I think you are really pretty. I want you to meet my mother.' It's whack and dope both at the same time, you hear what I'm saying?"

The buyers involved are also big fans of auction prostitution. Sammy Schlesinger, a DSL technician in Provo Utah agrees. "First of all, you see what you are going to get, which is key to this whole thing. Many of the [girls] put photos of themselves up on the sites. Which is great. I mean, if you pick up someone off the street, you just don't know. It's dark, do they have all their teeth, caesarian scars, track marks, who knows? But on eBay, the buyer actually sees what they are going to get. Often they are nude, too. Which is sexy. For me at least, it just demonstrates the true power and unlimited potential of the Internet all over again."

Mr. Schlesinger also spoke of other inherent benefits. Specifically, the ability to get in touch with whores who would otherwise remain unknown. "Well, to be honest, I live in Utah, so that right there sort of limits my options. Provo, especially. What I used to do was cruise down to Salt Lake, but that was just a pain in the ass. The cops aren't too friendly there, if you know what I mean. Sort of backwards in fact, really. Plus, you would be surprised how many women ho on the side, but sort of just maintain a small client list. It's not their full time gig. Like this girl I have been seeing lately, Maria. She only lives a few miles away and she works totally out of her home. She has her own client list. Now, I never would have known about her, if I had not found her on an auction site, you know? Her hours are weird, because she has to wait for her husband to leave and the kids to go to school. But man, is she wild! I didn't know Mormons could fuck like that. Anyway, without eBay, I never would have met her."

Highest bidder prostitution is also proving to be a saving grace now that the seemingly unstoppable economy has shown real signs of slowing, especially in the tech sector. As always, the sex trade seems unaffected. George Jaquay a self described, "dot comer", has recently found himself out of work. "I started working at Pets.com [PETS -NASDAQ] right out of college, but as you know, we were hit with massive layoffs. I moved down to Los Angeles to work for eToys [ETOY - NASDAQ], but that was a disaster. They got rid of my entire department a few months after I moved down there. I headed back up to the Valley and started at WebVan.com [DUMBFUCKINGIDEA - NASDAQ], but they just slashed 2,000 jobs. So, to keep myself afloat, and really just to pay for my dingy little one-bedroom Cupertino apartment, I started selling myself on eBay."

"I feel fairly ambivalent about the whole thing. On the one hand, I do have an MBA from Dartmouth in business development. I am using that zero percent. And, about three quarters of my clients are men, the remainder being these really fat and disgusting cyberchicks. They all have long hair, too. Really long, like down to their butts long. Do you think that's weird?" This reporter told him that he feels flat backing for money is weird, period. Mr. Jaquay did not entirely agree.

"Cause see, on the other hand, this is putting money on my table. For the first time in my life, all of my credit cards are paid off, my student loans are pretty much gone. I paid off my Passat and I just moved to a really nice place in Menlo Park. It's great. Sure, I know I am chugging cock for a living, but it beats sitting in an office ten hours a day waiting to get handed your walking papers." Clearly that is a matter of opinion. "I am actually considering setting up a web cam and creating a pay site where people can watch me and the highest bidder fuck, but I am sort of apprehensive because if some of my frat brothers back east saw me taking it up the ass, well, it would be weird."

Not to be left out however, modern day Pimps are also getting into hooker auctions. Carlester Crumpler, one of Detroit's more notorious and innovative pimps made the jump from an actual prostitution web site, to relying on the services of E-Bay and the like in early November. When asked why he made the transition, Mr. Crumpler said, "Shit, I got bitches in New York City, Vietnam, motherfucking Africa. I got bitches in Los Angeles, Denver, Sao Paulo, Modesto, Myrtle Beach, Malaysia. That is what the web brought to my business. We call it the Bitch Net. But the problem was this, you log into punkassho.com [PASH - NASDAQ] and you want to bust a nut on Darlene, dig? Now, some other player has already got himself a date with Darlene. He paid one hundred bones for her skinny ass. But you think that Darlene has got the sweetest pink there is, you know what I'm saying? You would have paid $125. What do you do? I'm asking you, what the fuck do you do?" I had no comment. Mr. Crumpler continued.

"See, now that I got all my bitches up on Amazon and E-Bay, motherfucking Yahoo! and shit, that problem is solved. Your sick ass bids $125 for that bag-head ho. But that other motherfucker thinks her pussy tastes better than waffles, so he drops one hundred and fifty large for her nail-polish huffing ass. You then pony up $200. You think I give a shit? Hells no! You honkeys can empty out your retirement accounts for all I fucking care. Shit." Mr. Crumpler also explained how by "contracting out" to established auction sites, he is both reducing overhead and saving money.

"Man, I had me a whole gang a white boys working 24-7 keeping punkassho.com up and running. It was like I was ho-ing for them, and they were pimping me out! Uh-uh, fuck that. Now that my shit is on E-Bay, it is nothing but mo money, mo money, and mo motherfucking money. It's great." When asked about his funny hat, Mr. Crumpler called me a "dumb cracker."

In a similar dramatic move, beleaguered former Nasdaq darling Priceline.com [PRCL - NASDAQ] will be announcing Tuesday that consumers can now "Name Their Own Price For Hookers". Details are still murky and no one from Priceline.com would make any statements on the record. However, an anonymous source told PCTyrant.com the following.

"Jesus Christ. Our stock has taken such a beating recently that we'd be having name your own price for heroin if we could figure out a way to get around the supply problems. No joke. Naming your own price for whores is a stopgap, finger in the dyke type of maneuver" When asked if his 'finger in the dyke' comment had any sexual or lesbian connotations attached to it, our source said no. Then he giggled a whole bunch. When asked about the legality of Priceline's decision to add the skin trade to its already diverse "Name Your Own Price" offerings such as gas, plane fair and exotic birds and reptiles, our source responded with this.

"Listen, we have been screwing over our customers for the past two years. I mean, we got kicked out of the Connecticut Better Business Bureau for Christ's sake. Legal actions so far have been minimal. But our stock has taken a severe beating. We're dying here, but we are still responsible to our stockholders. We are predicting a 300-400 percent jump in revenue next month alone with the onset of this new service. We feel comfortable in speculating that are stock will jump up to around the high twenties or low thirties by second quarter 2001. And we will be in the black for the first time as an enterprise by quarter three. As far as a SWAT team raid and pepper spray in the eyes and all of our butts being hauled off to jail, well, we have discussed that as a possible scenario. However, we at Proceline.com feel it is an acceptable risk we are being forced to take by the competitive nature of the market. For the sake of our shareholders, we simply have no other options." He continued, "Really, what I am thinking is that the Justice Department found Microsoft guilty of just about every crime listed in the anti-trust act, called them jerks, described Bill Gates as mix between Mussolini and a tall version of Napoleon, and finally ordered them broken into two companies, and it is still business as usual up in Redmond. This is just one man talking, but don't you think anti-trust violations are bigger crimes than prostitution, a business that 62% of the US population thinks should be legalized anyway? Honestly, we at Priceline.com are not too worried."

Will the traditional anolog sex workers be able to compete with the online "sex for sale" marketplace or will this exasperate the digital divide.
Unidentified software manufacturer's release party. Online sexworkers can make up to $20,000 per night working the dot com circuit.
Young start ups like MyPoonTang.org plan to give ebay and Priceline a run for their money in the emerging online prostitution market.

"Man, I had me a whole gang a white boys working 24-7 keeping punkassho.com up and running. It was like I was ho-ing for them, and they were pimping me out!"

Carlester Crumpler -Online Pimp
Refering to the reponsibilities of running a successful online prostitution business

"Jesus Christ... we'd be having 'name your own price for heroin' if we could figure out a way to get around the supply problems"

Anonymous Source at Priceline.com

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